10. Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep, 9 if you’re ugly.

9. Exercise. Or don’t. What the hell do I care?

8. Never apologize— it shows weakness.

7. The best way to earn a quick buck is a slip and fall lawsuit.

6. Avoid tweeting any photos of your private parts.

5. Schedule nightly appointment with Dr. Johnnie Walker.

4. Take some wheatgrass, soy paste and carob, toss in the garbage and cook yourself a big-ass piece of pork.

3. Try not to die.

2. Never dwell on past mistakes, especially you, LeBron.

1. Don’t waste your time watching this crap.

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